Openness, Self-Esteem and Fairness

Standing minutes of honest communication is harder than standing a physical fight with somebody. It is also far harder than choosing to disconnect with somebody, stop talking to somebody, or avoiding somebody.

Openness, self-esteem and fairness Fairness is something we all want. However, pragmatically, being fair is not easy as we think. I claim that becoming fair is far more difficult that fighting for death or victory. Interestingly, we all seek fairness, ask for it, expect it, fight for it, and die for it. When a one is convinced that it is a fair stance, he/she can inside develop the motives to go through the most difficult situations to protect his/her rights. History is full of bloody stories of people and nations that think that they are right and the enemy is wrong. The efforts they spent in fighting and creating conflict far exceed the efforts their invested in communicating and sharing perspectives. I liked the movie 13 days, which talks about a hot period of time where the soviet union and USA was to start a preemptive nuclear attack because each thought that the other would and planned for a strike. The movie show us how much the president of USA spend in communicating, accepting fear, experiencing insecurity, tolerating the many military advices to start the strike. Eventually, and after a difficult, risky, and painful thinking, negotiating, and communicating, the leaders of Soviet Union could avoid a human catastrophic tragedy. They could make the world live a better life. They make a change. How much we are willing to spend energy, tolerate pain, feeling temporarily insecure, overcome ego-driven stimulus, control emotions, and confront self with truth that put our self-esteem into real test, in order to know and see fairness from the other perspective. How much effort do we spend to change the life of others and for ourselves? Standing minutes of honest communication is harder than standing a physical fight with somebody. It is also far harder than choosing to disconnect with somebody, stop talking to somebody, or avoiding somebody. The science of psychology and the practice of great leaders over history prove that distancing ourselves from others is the easier choice; the choice everybody can do without harm; it is about escaping rather than facing. Those who distance themselves from confrontation are the weakest amongst us. They hide behind a false decision/stance to avoid the hot point of putting their self-esteem into the real test; the test when the other might blame, finger-point, or even show clues of attacks and disrespect. Those moments are real test for your self-esteem because they are stimulus of insecurity and lowering your self-worth. Maintaining your ability to continue through such a problematic discussion; for the sake of serving a positive purpose, is an indicator for your inside-out stability, and self-worth that flows from within; the values, principles, and ethical stance you hold deep and strong. If conflict is inevitable in social interactions, if emotions are well-known for distorting our views of reality, and if our long-term prosperity is the outcome of interdependent relationships, then people would better tolerate the moments of confrontations with the aim to reach a positive purpose. As per my findings and observations which involve coaching people and researching self-growth and psychological references, I can find a direct link between self-esteem, communication, and fairness. The more deep and stable is your self-esteem the better you can handle problematic discussions and initiating one-to-one self-disclosure and absorbing attack cues of others. The more your self-esteem is vulnerable; you tend to be very sensitive to critics and less able to tolerate new self-knowledge, and hence less able to tolerate problematic discussions. Absorbing attack cues is a far more difficult. The signs of feeling of vulnerability are many; including initiating a counter attack and getting deeper in point fingering and blaming during the session rather than seeking a solution, or even avoid the session itself and rather decide to disconnect. A one with vulnerable self-esteem is less able to negotiate, communicating, share and accept the perspectives of others, and becoming closer to a fair position in life. Fairness, again, is the hard choice, because it is the choice of accepting that our view to reality might only be distorted view of reality. We fear realizing that our view might not be right; or that our behavior might be wrong, because we link our self-esteem to what we think is right. Have you started finding the obstacles? It is in our heads (psychological belief system). Set of beliefs that tell you that you are only worthy if you have the right view of reality. These beliefs link your self-esteem/self-worth to your everyday positions in life (at work, at relationships, etc.). A position is something you believe it is right and other positions are wrong. It triggers a distorted thought that shows you that you are only worthy if your position is right. Consequently, we find it hard to change or accept that our position (view of reality) is not right because it means that I am less worthy, competent, lovable, etc. Such a distorted though shows you that you are stronger if you stick to what you already know, believe or do. Bye, bye for change So what is the better, healthy, psychologically and socially rewarding belief? It is the one of openness, life learner, true leaders, and change agents. Instead of linking your self-worth to being right, and to your current position, link it to the behavior of looking for the better truth. The idea is: I am worthy if I find something better and pursue it. I am a one who –above all- is looking to find the truth. My current thoughts of what I think is right are temporary hypothesis which can be changed or modified when I find something better. People are smart, creative and intellectually rich, and I can find something valuable in their view to reality. Maintaining my incorrect or distorted view of reality, leaves blocks opportunity for improvements. So I would rather seek the better nicer truth all the time. I am a one who –above all- is looking to find the truth. I am unconditionally worthy, and become richer intellectually and behaviorally if I discover a better pathway.