Self-defeating thoughts: All or Nothing

Many of us are happy, qualified, and live in prosperity. But the way we think and perceive things shape the reality we experience and concequently and emotions that dominate our moods. Many problems do not exist in reality, but rather in our perceptions. Our perceptions get distorted because of unrealistic thoughts about how life should be going. 

We might kill our self confidence as a product of our distorted perceptions to reality.

One of the patterns of distorted thinking is called: All or Nothing.

How can an All-or-Nothing person respond to things:

At work, either everything is going as he/she expecting, or the company is bad, a mess, and unfair.

In a relationship, either the person he deals with has all the traits he likes and appreciate, or the person is not the one who I can trust and enjoy being with.

As a manager, if you do not do it the way I exactly expect it and imagine it, you have done nothing.

As a father, if my son are not up to my expectations in school and personality, then I failed as a father.

In life, if life is not as I imagine it, it is a sad and problematic days and years.

So as a result of this thinking, they perceive as if they are not doing fairly enough at work and life. They are very resistance to change or getting feedback, because finding a mistake for them is about "nothing", a failure. So the moment of constructive critism, is really hard. Concequently, this affect their ability to pursue continal development.

All or nothing thinkers are defensive, lack openess, and maintain a single view of what is life should be, so they are less likely to enjoy and utilize the diversity around them.

So what to do if you are an all-or-nothing thinker.
Usually All-or-nothing thinking is a result of maladaptive beliefs (maldaptive means the beliefs causes to us difficulty in adapting to reality). These are some beliefs that causes all-or-nothing thinking:
- (maladaptive belief) I do not have the right to make mistakes. 

Replace it with - I have the right as a human to make mistakes and learn from them.
-(maladaptive belief) I must/should always doing things perfectly. Must and should always are naturally unrealistic, and place a heavy burden on yourself in everyday life situation. 

Repalce it with, I will do my best to do deliver my work and responsibilities in a very good way.
- (maladaptive belief) There is one and only one way for doing things. Life is black or white.

Repalce it with, Me and other are creative enough to do things fairly enough other than my own way. The world is running fine even though I am not with every preson who is doing a great job. That means that people are creative enough and intelligent.

One more advice: reward and thank yourself for every effort and work you do, even if you perceive it incomplete - or nothing. This is just in you perception.

Problem Solving Does Not Solve Problems

Usually, we hear the term problem solving, and we get training on problem solving, but have you ever tried to reflect on this term and think about it. Let me share with you my little experience on this.

Once, I was giving a session about problem solving to senior managers in a public organization.

Intentionally, I ask them to choose a problem which they wish to disappear from the organization; not surprisingly, they choose WASTA, and we started.

20 minutes later, the 5 groups start calling me: this is impossible; this will not happen in this organization, we can not solve the problem, it is huge, complex, requires the commitment of so many people, changing some systems and mentality.

I said: this is right, we can not solve problems. I do believe that we can not solve problems. They get surprised! I guess they wanted to say: ok, what are you doing here then?!!

Problem Solving techniques works only for little, small, shallow problems, when people agree on changing the same thing, when you have control over the whole situation, and if and only if the problem is semi-technical. In reality, we know this is not the case.

Problem solving does not work when people's attitude and interests are part of the problematic situation, and when it is complex and many parts has a stake on it.

If problems form gradually, how can people solve them instantly! And please let me know the tool anybody has used to solve a problem instantly which has been growing for years.

Problem solving is a distorted thought, it is unrealistic, and if you believe you can solve problems, you will get more problems. It is an "all or nothing mentality".

I am not crazy, and I am not saying live with problems for ever, and I am not saying give up.

My message is: to solve problems when need first to disbelieve in problem solving.

It is a shift from the "Solve mentality" to "improve mentality".

As we face big complex problems which have been growing and lasting for years, and try to solve them, we think that they need huge efforts, power, and magic to get solved, and this is where we might get disappointed; like my friends in the public organization. This is where many people give up, as they think the problem is bigger then them.

This happens because our expectations are unrealistically high. When expectations are unrealistic, reality and nature says its word, then we get disappointed and we feel powerless.

There are natural principles that we need to accept; one of them is that things needs to take its time to change. It is about thinking rationally about the right pace to change things.

This is the importance of the "improve mentality", it implicitly says to us that you do not have to radically and instantly solve everything, but rather, work gradually on improving the situation, until the situation becomes acceptable and nice to live with. Then you have the choice to improve more.

Actually, what happens is that you will get in the habit of improving; this habit does not stop when the pain of the situation leaves, instead, you start creating extra achievement. Example is Japan.

Japanese peruse the mentality of improvement (Kaizen), this is way they never stop improving their services and products, even when they achieve customer satisfaction.

Improvement mentality means that we believe in small wins strategy. Every small win we do, enhance our self-confidence that we have control over the situation, and motivate us to continue, and so you become more committed.

Because it is a small win, an improvement which we feel capable of doing, we just do it.

It is about gradually eat the elephant, and gradually build your capacity; an approach which suites our human nature.

Back to my friends in the public organization, we discussed together the "mentality of improving", and we agree at that moment that we do not aim to radically solve the problem, let us improve the situation.

We all get surprised. Many suggestions, improvements, and motivation follow the climate of the workshop as we start pursuing the improvement mentality.

Will you purse the improvement mentality as well, and start making small wins!