It Is My Mistake

I would like to share a life changing experience with you....

We have been called by a company to provide coaching in organizational change.

The CEO mentioned to us few objectives to focus on in the change initiative. We start diagnosing the situation by critical studying the culture and climate of the corporate.

Upon analyzing the findings, we found that 83% are suffering from low self-esteem and sever stress symptoms.

When somebody's self-esteem is low (self-dislike), his/her ability to accept the critique is remarkably weak. So, they tend to accuse and blame others for mistakes and problems.

To explain it scientifically, low self-esteem contributes to:

• Sensitivity to criticism

• Tendency to put on a false social mask to impress others

• Hostility, excessive anger, dislike and distrust of other

When our self-esteem is weakened, we become unsatisfied with whom we are subconsciously. That is, there is a constant inner voice which keeps saying to us that we are not happy, good, qualified, and stable enough.

This inner voice of rejection inside the person generates regularly feelings of guilt, sadness, anger and anxiety. The person is already compressed with those emotions. Therefore, if we try to show them they are responsible for something, for them, it is a one more reason not to feel good, and because they are already pressured with bad emotions, they tend to defend their position and blame other to escape the feeling of guilt. The new knowledge threatens their sense of worth.

In that company, we found that people keep finger-pointing, and blaming others and practice gossiping and forming lobbies to protect themselves.

The analysis of the company leads to a real miserable results, something we usually find in organizations.

It was my job to present the findings to the CEO at that sunny morning at 9:30 AM before two weeks.

If the board of directors knows about the results, probably the CEO will loose his job.

Therefore, I expect that while or after presenting him with the facts, he might fire us and replace us with another company, which are not that much direct, brave, and honest to face the CEO with very unpleasant facts.

We know how some managers react to criticism, they take it personal, then they justify it with rationale reason, then they look for facts that support their emotional state, then they react. Usually, they remove the source of critics from their environment by marginalizing, firing, transferring, etc, unfortunately.

I started with a nice introduction to calm him down, and I mentioned that it can be changed.

I started to present the figures. What happens then, he became interested, then asked me for more, and then he concluded:

I accept responsibility for this, this is my mistake, and I will work on it

It was obvious for us that this is not his mistake. It is a culture and a history in the company which has been growing for years. He is a new CEO to the company. Nevertheless, we did not hear a single word from him about the previous CEO and his mistakes.

The sample of research took 60% of the company's employees. Yet, when we presented the facts to middle management, they claimed that the sample is not enough, and we are over-generalizing the problems. No comment!! I

The CEO who attended the session, interfered, and told them, I accept that this is my mistake, and I wish you to accept the same. We are here to work on the issues, and not to balm anybody for it. Things become better.

I took a deep breath and I learned what is meant to be humble, open, confident, and brave to accept responsibility for the change. Only people who are great in values, self-esteem and capabilities can do this.

I think before changing the world, we got to accept the changes that we have to do with ourselves.

Self-defeating thoughts: All or Nothing

Many of us are happy, qualified, and live in prosperity. But the way we think and perceive things shape the reality we experience and concequently and emotions that dominate our moods. Many problems do not exist in reality, but rather in our perceptions. Our perceptions get distorted because of unrealistic thoughts about how life should be going. 

We might kill our self confidence as a product of our distorted perceptions to reality.

One of the patterns of distorted thinking is called: All or Nothing.

How can an All-or-Nothing person respond to things:

At work, either everything is going as he/she expecting, or the company is bad, a mess, and unfair.

In a relationship, either the person he deals with has all the traits he likes and appreciate, or the person is not the one who I can trust and enjoy being with.

As a manager, if you do not do it the way I exactly expect it and imagine it, you have done nothing.

As a father, if my son are not up to my expectations in school and personality, then I failed as a father.

In life, if life is not as I imagine it, it is a sad and problematic days and years.

So as a result of this thinking, they perceive as if they are not doing fairly enough at work and life. They are very resistance to change or getting feedback, because finding a mistake for them is about "nothing", a failure. So the moment of constructive critism, is really hard. Concequently, this affect their ability to pursue continal development.

All or nothing thinkers are defensive, lack openess, and maintain a single view of what is life should be, so they are less likely to enjoy and utilize the diversity around them.

So what to do if you are an all-or-nothing thinker.
Usually All-or-nothing thinking is a result of maladaptive beliefs (maldaptive means the beliefs causes to us difficulty in adapting to reality). These are some beliefs that causes all-or-nothing thinking:
- (maladaptive belief) I do not have the right to make mistakes. 

Replace it with - I have the right as a human to make mistakes and learn from them.
-(maladaptive belief) I must/should always doing things perfectly. Must and should always are naturally unrealistic, and place a heavy burden on yourself in everyday life situation. 

Repalce it with, I will do my best to do deliver my work and responsibilities in a very good way.
- (maladaptive belief) There is one and only one way for doing things. Life is black or white.

Repalce it with, Me and other are creative enough to do things fairly enough other than my own way. The world is running fine even though I am not with every preson who is doing a great job. That means that people are creative enough and intelligent.

One more advice: reward and thank yourself for every effort and work you do, even if you perceive it incomplete - or nothing. This is just in you perception.

Openness, Self-Esteem and Fairness

Standing minutes of honest communication is harder than standing a physical fight with somebody. It is also far harder than choosing to disconnect with somebody, stop talking to somebody, or avoiding somebody.

Openness, self-esteem and fairness Fairness is something we all want. However, pragmatically, being fair is not easy as we think. I claim that becoming fair is far more difficult that fighting for death or victory. Interestingly, we all seek fairness, ask for it, expect it, fight for it, and die for it. When a one is convinced that it is a fair stance, he/she can inside develop the motives to go through the most difficult situations to protect his/her rights. History is full of bloody stories of people and nations that think that they are right and the enemy is wrong. The efforts they spent in fighting and creating conflict far exceed the efforts their invested in communicating and sharing perspectives. I liked the movie 13 days, which talks about a hot period of time where the soviet union and USA was to start a preemptive nuclear attack because each thought that the other would and planned for a strike. The movie show us how much the president of USA spend in communicating, accepting fear, experiencing insecurity, tolerating the many military advices to start the strike. Eventually, and after a difficult, risky, and painful thinking, negotiating, and communicating, the leaders of Soviet Union could avoid a human catastrophic tragedy. They could make the world live a better life. They make a change. How much we are willing to spend energy, tolerate pain, feeling temporarily insecure, overcome ego-driven stimulus, control emotions, and confront self with truth that put our self-esteem into real test, in order to know and see fairness from the other perspective. How much effort do we spend to change the life of others and for ourselves? Standing minutes of honest communication is harder than standing a physical fight with somebody. It is also far harder than choosing to disconnect with somebody, stop talking to somebody, or avoiding somebody. The science of psychology and the practice of great leaders over history prove that distancing ourselves from others is the easier choice; the choice everybody can do without harm; it is about escaping rather than facing. Those who distance themselves from confrontation are the weakest amongst us. They hide behind a false decision/stance to avoid the hot point of putting their self-esteem into the real test; the test when the other might blame, finger-point, or even show clues of attacks and disrespect. Those moments are real test for your self-esteem because they are stimulus of insecurity and lowering your self-worth. Maintaining your ability to continue through such a problematic discussion; for the sake of serving a positive purpose, is an indicator for your inside-out stability, and self-worth that flows from within; the values, principles, and ethical stance you hold deep and strong. If conflict is inevitable in social interactions, if emotions are well-known for distorting our views of reality, and if our long-term prosperity is the outcome of interdependent relationships, then people would better tolerate the moments of confrontations with the aim to reach a positive purpose. As per my findings and observations which involve coaching people and researching self-growth and psychological references, I can find a direct link between self-esteem, communication, and fairness. The more deep and stable is your self-esteem the better you can handle problematic discussions and initiating one-to-one self-disclosure and absorbing attack cues of others. The more your self-esteem is vulnerable; you tend to be very sensitive to critics and less able to tolerate new self-knowledge, and hence less able to tolerate problematic discussions. Absorbing attack cues is a far more difficult. The signs of feeling of vulnerability are many; including initiating a counter attack and getting deeper in point fingering and blaming during the session rather than seeking a solution, or even avoid the session itself and rather decide to disconnect. A one with vulnerable self-esteem is less able to negotiate, communicating, share and accept the perspectives of others, and becoming closer to a fair position in life. Fairness, again, is the hard choice, because it is the choice of accepting that our view to reality might only be distorted view of reality. We fear realizing that our view might not be right; or that our behavior might be wrong, because we link our self-esteem to what we think is right. Have you started finding the obstacles? It is in our heads (psychological belief system). Set of beliefs that tell you that you are only worthy if you have the right view of reality. These beliefs link your self-esteem/self-worth to your everyday positions in life (at work, at relationships, etc.). A position is something you believe it is right and other positions are wrong. It triggers a distorted thought that shows you that you are only worthy if your position is right. Consequently, we find it hard to change or accept that our position (view of reality) is not right because it means that I am less worthy, competent, lovable, etc. Such a distorted though shows you that you are stronger if you stick to what you already know, believe or do. Bye, bye for change So what is the better, healthy, psychologically and socially rewarding belief? It is the one of openness, life learner, true leaders, and change agents. Instead of linking your self-worth to being right, and to your current position, link it to the behavior of looking for the better truth. The idea is: I am worthy if I find something better and pursue it. I am a one who –above all- is looking to find the truth. My current thoughts of what I think is right are temporary hypothesis which can be changed or modified when I find something better. People are smart, creative and intellectually rich, and I can find something valuable in their view to reality. Maintaining my incorrect or distorted view of reality, leaves blocks opportunity for improvements. So I would rather seek the better nicer truth all the time. I am a one who –above all- is looking to find the truth. I am unconditionally worthy, and become richer intellectually and behaviorally if I discover a better pathway.

Rejecting the Positives. It is the time retrain your alarm officer

It is shiny day, isn't it, and it is a lovely life?! A very beautiful life.

I know what you might have said now: how come it is a lovely life with all these problems that I have experienced so far and those which I will go through on the future! Or you might label me as: wealthy, lazy, etc.! If he does not have problems, then he should be doing nothing in life! (Do not worry I experience many).

Let us have a moment to dig deeply beyond our very conscious mind, slightly towards the subconscious; the place where we can access some of the invisible thoughts. Please consider this question, and I know you will be brave enough to answer it:

Do you fear get deeply happy? Do you feel worried from enjoying a lovely time without worrying about the coming problems? Do you prefer to keep your mental psychological bodyguards working all the time, even in your dreams?

You might be surprised if I tell you that so many, if not most of, the people I asked them this during workshops say: YES! Many people recognize this experience.

Although you might not find it easy now to feel deeply happy and relaxed, you can and you will be able to overcome this state.

It happens because our past contains considerable harmful experiences which caused pain and disappointments. Unfortunately, they taught us math and science, but not how to solve and adapt to our problems so that we can overcome the psychological burden of them. So we perceived them larger than they actually were.

To adapt and to prevent further pain in the future, we lower our expectation from life, and we hire an alarm officer inside our psychological system, who job is to alarm us when we are to deeply relax or enjoy the moment, so that we keep our level of expectations low from life and from people, in order to prevent potential unexpected pain.

Your alarm officer is very committed and disciplined, does not sleep, and does not stop working. He is doing his job of warning you from being deeply happy, when you are about to exceed certain level of happiness which bring to you relaxation.

His job is not to let you relaxed enough so that you stay in the urgency mode to face coming unknown problems – from his point of view.

Alarm Officer is not able to read the future, but he knows your past very well. Whenever you become overly happy, he brings to you the alarm. If you try to challenge him, he brings supporting evidence from your past and try to tell you that you might face similar situation, so you are better staying alarmed. Unfortunately, we believe him and get back again to urgency mode.

This causes us to reject current and coming positives. It is a sort of automatic thought that is triggered when we are about to relax.

The alarm officer has only been taught about your problems, and so he has only one statement that he keeps saying and arguing about with you. He says:- "since you have faced painful problems in the past, for sure, you will face similar ones on the future, and pain is coming anyway, so stay in the urgency mode".

When you believe the alarms of the Alarm Officers, your body stays in the alarm mode and consequently generate the sort of hormones that suite urgency situations: cortisol and adrenaline. Those hormones are harmful on healthy body functioning if they are stimulated over the long term, and causes blood pressure, heart diseases and other chronic diseases related to stress.

As for now, you feel that your alarm officer is your best faithful employee that maintains your psychological wellbeing. In fact he is not. Your alarm officer, needs to be retrained, developed and coached to learn when and how to alarm you so that you can enjoy your life. For now, he is a block to your happiness, optimism and causes to you a lot of destructive consequences. To name few:

• Keep your worried that the worst is coming
• Let you have only few amount of happiness and relaxation
• Keep you from trusting, loving or feeling intimacy with people
• Causes bad dreams, nightmares, and negative daydreaming
• Keeping you pessimistic and suspicious

You might be spending a lovely vacation, in one the most beautiful lands in the earth, with all who you love, but not being able to deeply relax and feeling optimistic about the coming days because of this Alarm Officer.

So it is the time to retain him. I will discuss few causes to this maladaptive thought an how to overcome them. Use them to retain your Alarm Officer:

§ First lesson:- more pressure on the muscle the less it can carry more or better

The assumption is that if you stayed alarmed and awaked, then the problems you expect (without evidence) will not surprise you, and you can stand up the war readily and quickly. You assume that the level of disappointment will be less, and the factor of surprise will not let the enemy (the problem) to win.

The contrary is correct. The more you keep holding the weight, the less you will be able to carry more weights placed on you suddenly. You will have been already exhausted, tired and waiting for a break. Such a defensive mental position, keep your autonomic nervous system in an alarm stage, thus you consume more energy, and stimulate you body to generate cortizol and adrenaline that weakness your body overtime, and let you less able to process information effectively in problems solving and decision making situations.

So, the longer you are in defense, the weaker you are once the problems rise. It is like the cold war between the USA and Russia. They spend a lot of time, money and mental effort, and then most of weapons they developed have never been used. This was a waste to nations' energy which could have been directed to better scientific and social development to solve problems which both countries are facing now.

Somebody will tell me, what about risk management? Well, rejecting the positives is not about risk management, but rather risk escalation. It escalates the amount of problems you face. Because the process a called selective attention. It means that people are more likely to collect information about something they expect, like and motivated to find. What happens is that you will exacerbate signs of problems, perceive them larger than they really are, and start taking actions or daydreaming about the harm you might face and this let you more unbalanced, confused and worried. Sometimes, you will take proactive actions that will turn the signs or a real problem.

§ Second lesson: - serious problems develop gradually and I can be notified fairly early about them, why to worry?

In reality what we call serious problems, do not strike us suddenly. We see them escalate gradually, until they become critical. This is natural pattern of creation (gradual development stages). The assumption of suddenly striking problems which are serious is not real; it is a myth in our mind, which sometimes, loves to believe unrealistic stories like Harry Potter, Alaa Aldin, or the famous movie "300".

So my friend: relax as you will be notified early enough for serious problems. Silly problems can be handled without all such guarding and urgency.

§ Third lesson: problems are not catastrophic

Rejecting the positive is about perceiving life's natural discrepancies from normal (or what you expect to be normal) as catastrophic events which damage your life – my life is all about problems.

Life's natural discrepancies from normal (which we call problems) are normal, natural, and necessary for you to live, grow, develop and invent.

We need to admit that sometimes we capitalize on our capabilities and come up with talented ideas, only when problems rise. Problematic situations, place enough challenges to us to utilize our full potential. It happens to you, does not it?

Perceive and rethink the many problems you faced and passed, the level of experience you gained, the level of self-confidence and maturity you developed.

So, accept problems, perceive them are opportunities for unleashing your capacity. Maintain your life going as you do not need to stop it until the problem disappears. Just work on it.

§ Fourth lesson:- Learn to relax and be happy gradually

Try to learn how to relax.

1. Start with determining to feel happy and enjoy what you have for 5 minutes.

2. Then gradually expand the time frame in which you decide to relax and enjoy life.

3. Expand it more an more.

Your officer can not learn not to alarm for too long at the beginning. But you can train him to wait for sometime until he gets used to it.

§ Fifth lesson:- be specific about what to worry about – no more vagueness

Now we will teach our Alarm officer to concentrate only on apparent problems we have now, or the problems which we can most likely predict specifically. We need to teach him that he has not right to keep us in the urgency mode for something not specific, serious enough. No worrying based on vague assumptions anymore. Only specific situations will take my attention fair enough.

§ Sixth lesson:- The equation is different, so where is the evidence of reoccurrence

Your alarm officer do not have evidence from the future, he can only refer to the past, and assume that it will happen again. Asks him what is the evidence that a serious problem will happen again life the past. Every experience has three elements: you, situation, and people. I am different than before, stronger, experienced, knowledgably, and people in the future and situations will never be the same as before because I am on a different life conditions than before. The people I deal with are now different like me as they become more mature and experienced. It seems that the three elements of the equation have changed. Your past stories will not work anymore to worry me.

§ Seventh lesson:- be action-oriented and keep a challenges log

Instead of worrying only, when I have a problem or when I expect a problem, write down, and formulate an action plan to solve it, to avoid it, or to live with it if it can not be solved (like the mood of you grandfather).

This will have many advantages:

First, it will remind you that you do not have many problems or even problems many times.

Second, it will focus your attention on solving the problem rather than worrying.

Third, it will be a good history for you, it will remind you overtime, that you have passed many problems in the past, you are capable, strong, and qualified to live a happy life.

Fourth, it will lower your stress level, as you will feel more on control in your life. Science and my professional experience tell me that what make us feel in control and more relaxed not the disappearance of problems, but rather the actions we do to work on them.

Thomas Edison once said:

"One might think that the money value of invention constitutes its reward to the man who loves his work. But speaking for myself, I can honestly say this is not so, . I continue to find my greatest pleasure, and so my rewards in the work that precedes what the world called success".

Problem Solving Does Not Solve Problems

Usually, we hear the term problem solving, and we get training on problem solving, but have you ever tried to reflect on this term and think about it. Let me share with you my little experience on this.

Once, I was giving a session about problem solving to senior managers in a public organization.

Intentionally, I ask them to choose a problem which they wish to disappear from the organization; not surprisingly, they choose WASTA, and we started.

20 minutes later, the 5 groups start calling me: this is impossible; this will not happen in this organization, we can not solve the problem, it is huge, complex, requires the commitment of so many people, changing some systems and mentality.

I said: this is right, we can not solve problems. I do believe that we can not solve problems. They get surprised! I guess they wanted to say: ok, what are you doing here then?!!

Problem Solving techniques works only for little, small, shallow problems, when people agree on changing the same thing, when you have control over the whole situation, and if and only if the problem is semi-technical. In reality, we know this is not the case.

Problem solving does not work when people's attitude and interests are part of the problematic situation, and when it is complex and many parts has a stake on it.

If problems form gradually, how can people solve them instantly! And please let me know the tool anybody has used to solve a problem instantly which has been growing for years.

Problem solving is a distorted thought, it is unrealistic, and if you believe you can solve problems, you will get more problems. It is an "all or nothing mentality".

I am not crazy, and I am not saying live with problems for ever, and I am not saying give up.

My message is: to solve problems when need first to disbelieve in problem solving.

It is a shift from the "Solve mentality" to "improve mentality".

As we face big complex problems which have been growing and lasting for years, and try to solve them, we think that they need huge efforts, power, and magic to get solved, and this is where we might get disappointed; like my friends in the public organization. This is where many people give up, as they think the problem is bigger then them.

This happens because our expectations are unrealistically high. When expectations are unrealistic, reality and nature says its word, then we get disappointed and we feel powerless.

There are natural principles that we need to accept; one of them is that things needs to take its time to change. It is about thinking rationally about the right pace to change things.

This is the importance of the "improve mentality", it implicitly says to us that you do not have to radically and instantly solve everything, but rather, work gradually on improving the situation, until the situation becomes acceptable and nice to live with. Then you have the choice to improve more.

Actually, what happens is that you will get in the habit of improving; this habit does not stop when the pain of the situation leaves, instead, you start creating extra achievement. Example is Japan.

Japanese peruse the mentality of improvement (Kaizen), this is way they never stop improving their services and products, even when they achieve customer satisfaction.

Improvement mentality means that we believe in small wins strategy. Every small win we do, enhance our self-confidence that we have control over the situation, and motivate us to continue, and so you become more committed.

Because it is a small win, an improvement which we feel capable of doing, we just do it.

It is about gradually eat the elephant, and gradually build your capacity; an approach which suites our human nature.

Back to my friends in the public organization, we discussed together the "mentality of improving", and we agree at that moment that we do not aim to radically solve the problem, let us improve the situation.

We all get surprised. Many suggestions, improvements, and motivation follow the climate of the workshop as we start pursuing the improvement mentality.

Will you purse the improvement mentality as well, and start making small wins!

Principles As Relationship Filters

As you choose your positive principles, they will automatically filter who will be around you in personal relationship (friend, marriage, etc.), and professional relationships (company you work for, clients, colleagues, etc.).

If one leaves you in a relationship, fires you from a job, or a client disengage because of something related to your principles which you stand for, feel optimistic, as you are getting closer to those who will enjoy being with you, you are choosing the quality of relationships you engage with, when you originally chose your positive principles and stand confidently for them. Feel optimistic and in control. It is you who is controlling life, when you have chosen what you stand for.

If you adopt positive principles, let life take you for the right direction.

Sometimes we might feel rejected, because we interpret the event against ourselves.

Even if they have taken the decision to leave you, it's your well originally, and now, as you are choosing your principles.

Let me tell you how it happens.

People's principles do not show all at once, we find something obvious, so we like it, and then we assume that they are like us is most of the important things. We assume it according to what we like to find in them. We project our own principles, thinking that those who are currently showing us something nice, is similar to us in everything central to us.

It is when that event or situation come up, and requires you and them to act based on principles that show you who they are in practice and in reality. At that time, we might surprise that they are not the ones you assumed they are. They might respond based on ego-driven attitude, and here you might not match with them. Ego-driven is mostly driven by cost/benefit calculations.

Responding with en ego-driven means, letting your own desires and instincts to control you; feeling powerful, feeling ease, feeling comfort, feeling completely secure (not accepting some risks), or maintaining social image, even if it comes on the account of honesty, fairness, social wellbeing, team wellbeing, the principles of acceptance, disciplines, ethics, development, etc.

If you are principled-centered, you might find sometimes you can match in a relationship. This point, you just need to reinforce yourself, andcongratulate yourself that things are only getting better.

Principles are natural social and business filters.

If you are a principled-centered person, trust the fact that ultimately your positive principles will attract similar principled-centered relationships to your life.

It might feel hard on the short-term to feel rejected and unwanted in an environment that does not match your positive principles. This is not the sign or evidence about who you are, but rather who they are.

We if we choose who we are, what do we stand for, what to scarify for when necessary, then, it is us who are determined originally with whom to stay, even if they took the decision to leave, it was originally our well.

When I started Change Zone, it was one room only. A very big large huge well-known company in Jordan send to us a group of employees and senior supervisors. Upon enrolling them in the program, we clarified with the HRM Manager that they have to submit their project and sit for the exam before gaining their certificates. When they finish, the HRM called me to gain the certificate now. I told her that they need to sit for the project as anybody else who took their certificates. I remember, she told me, do you think that the certificate of Change Zone is like XXXXX certificate (she mentioned a very bigger name in size, reputation, and worldwide coverage), if you do not hand them now, we will not send you any employee. We needed that business at that time, but I could get the strength to told her, it is bigger than that, and we do not want you employees if you do not adhere to our policy, good bye. 

We ended up working with like-minded companies, looking for practice, change and continual development.

Today, thanks God, it is actually bigger, of better reputation, and more effective in the development of companies in this country. HRM offices send to us, when it comes to who make better change, not to that XXXX certificate.

Here is a story to illustrate the above:

A sales man who is ethical and honest worked for a Sales Manager who considers cheating as a smart way to making profits in this hard business conditions. The hones sales man tries to adapt his principles to the situation by try to convince his manager that his way will bring long-term prosperity for the business. Nevertheless, the Sales Manager labeled him as "lacking experience". The Sales man continues his effort to be honest and shows his manager the feedback. Nevertheless, this time the Sales Manager labeled him as lacking the insight of gaining more money from customers in the short-term to meet target, another label was: you are ideal and unrealistic, and you will fail as a sales man. The sales man did not resign, and continues to do it his way; honest and direct with customers. The sales manager became very frustrated and fires the sales man.

The sales man felt rejected and sorry that somebody punish him for being honest, but he continues the search for a job. This time, during the interviews, he insisted to the interviewers that honesty is his way of dealing with clients. Some liked it and other did not. At the end, business owner was looking for a sales man who matched the criteria of honesty and initiatives. When they met, there was an excellent match of values and mentality, and they end up working together.

Your Self-worth Equation: Redefine Your View to Yourself

The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment.

Self-Worth Equation: Redefine Your View to Yourself Using number "One" to judge your value, means looking for external stories and events around, then compare it with yourself to reach a conclusion of how much is your market value or social value. So your equation is: My Self-worth = My Social/Market Value – Their Social/Market Value. If I perceive that their social value is greater than my social value, it leaves me with a minus (below zero) self-worth; we feel worthless and inferior to others. At the same time, if we feel that others are as good as me (my social value - their social value = zero), I will feel indifferent, not unique, and replaceable, which is another sort of feeling not important. The above approach is comparative and competitive. It gradually erodes our feeling of self-worth overtime or make is instable. This is why we think that we are not happy, successful, or worthy until we become rich, get promoted to a managerial position, become famous, or gain social power. These are all externals. You will feel less happy for the successes and achievements of others, because it will degrade your self-worth according to the equation (their social value become greater). This affects your ability to be an exceptional team player, coach, helper, etc. This will drive your attention to focus on the mistakes (imperfections) of others, or the mistakes (imperfections) of you. As we become attended to the mistakes around us and in us, overtime, patterns of distorted thinking called "dwelling on the negatives", and "labeling", develops within our automatic psychological processes. When we become focused on awful aspects around us, depression and a feeling of inner sadness and dissatisfaction follow and control your view to life. It is proven that when your self-esteem is associated with external factors, it frequently fluctuates and degrades, and with it, is your feeling of happiness, inside peace of mind, focus, productivity, creativity, communication, and many other aspects related to healthy self-esteem. This is the result of taking a comparative and competitive view to life. I guess you are asking: what are the alternative to stay motivated, passionate to develop yourself if we do not compare and compete? It is the integrative (complementary) and purposeful view to life. In other words, to feel that you are a flower in a beautiful garden with other flowers, contributing to the feeling good in the world, and for that purpose, it does not compete to be the most beautiful, but rather to integrate its beauty with the beauty of other flowers to make the overall look and feel of the garden greater and much beautiful. A flower that focuses on what it wants and enjoy doing, seeing its important contribution, and feeling satisfied with it stance in life. Here the equation is different, My Self-worth = Unconditional acceptance + Living with a purpose + creating a better world + Acting win-win This is the equation of true stability, nobility, confidence and having a solid self-esteem. Let me explain each briefly. With this equation the result will be mostly positive; it is very hard to get to zero or minus if you still a live, think good of yourself, doing what you like, contributing in building a better life, and asserting your own rights and the rights of others. Unconditional acceptance for yourself means to receive you favorably and with pleasure, approve, believe in, treat kindly and talk warmly. Here we need to separate our core worth from our behavior. Behavior is a state of performance that can be changed and developed, and my core worth is infinite, with no limits, and can not be degraded because of a temporary behavior. "I love myself, though not some behaviors, and my core is still good, and I can work to develop my behavior more and more". (When we plan a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as "rootless and stemless". We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we do not condemn it as immature and underdeveloped, nor do we criticize the buds for noting being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is [whole] as it is). (Gallwey, 1974). Unconditional self-acceptance gives you a perspective to see the good and promising you, with a constructive awareness of the human nature - weaknesses and mistakes. Self-acceptance does not mean accepting that misbehavior as good thing. It means accepting the reality that any human beings are naturally imperfect. However, this does not lead to label a human as: bad, immoral person, unethical, low-value person, etc. Living with a purpose means to articulate your mission and principles in life in variant aspects of work, social, physical, spiritual, educational, and cultural. These things need to be clear for you. There is a difference between a purpose and a goal. The purpose is the "why", and the goal is the "what". People need to be focused on a purpose first, then looking for alternatives of goals to fulfill their purpose. If I am a software programmer who has the purpose of building software to make the world a better organized and connected world, then I might set a goal to do my master degree. However, if there are constraints which obstacles doing the master for now, I can find other alternatives like certificates, self-readings program and others. This makes me living with my purpose and feeling good and satisfied to a greater extent. When you become clear about we you do want in life, you become less concerned about comparisons, and instead, you look for models from which you can learn, and you become happy for the achievements of others in other aspects, you feel optimistic about achieving your goals when you find others achieving similar goals. Instead of competing and comparing, the relationship with others turned to be learning, sharing, contributing, cooperating, and supporting. As you accept yourself unconditionally, and determined your purpose which makes you happy and satisfied, the source of self-worth changes from external to internal. The feeling of insecurity, jealousy, and battling with others is dramatically reduced. This does not mean that you will not feel jealous sometimes, however, it becomes normal, manageable, and not destructive on the relationship. Here you can feel happy for the successes of others. I believe that the achievements of others as major source of self-motivation when we perceive it as a chance to do a similar great job. Imagine how the world would be, if any thing you will start it, you are the first one doing it without having a clue whether it will be feasible or not. The world will seem risky, and dangerous. When others make it, then send us the gift of saying: you can also make it. Contributing in making a better world just leaves you with a deeply good feeling and inner satisfaction. When we contribute, our sense of worth and importance raises. As you head to you work on the morning, be sure that you do contribute to the world. Anything nice and good you do, make you feels good and increases your self -worth. It can range from a smile, to a hello, to a thank you, to help, to share knowledge, deliver a project, etc.. All makes a difference nowadays. The last part is To Act Win-Win. I will brief it: stand up for your own rights politely, ethically, and confidently. And equally important, help others by being fair with them and acknowledge their rights. Feel good about asserting your rights. Even if you could not get them, internally you grant yourself the feeling of worth and respect. My Self-worth = Unconditional acceptance to my core humanity + Living for a purpose + serving others to create a better life + Equality of Rights With this equation the sources of self-worth depends on you, they are all internally controlled, depends on what you do, how you think, and the way you respond. This makes your self-esteem much stable, calm and flourishing. It is the integrative, complementary and purposeful view to life that promotes cooperation and contribution.   Try it and you will find the difference.